isn't it rich?

She didn't hurt me. I hurt myself. It always happens. Why can't I ever just hold a friendship? Why do I always want it to be more?

I think this is because once I become friends with someone, and grow close, I don't want to lose them. So I do the one thing that will probably push them away.

Can someone send in the clowns?

EDIT: Apparently my Blackberry won't update my blog. Lame.

Send in the clowns, indeed.

i think i need a new corps song.

Hello internet. How are you doing this evening? Myself you ask? Nothing of concrete worth to complain about this late night, but since you asked, I may dive into the sentimental bullshit that seems to run my soap operatic life.

I know Chelsea wasn't even interested in me as anything more than a friend, but I still held onto that tiny glimmer of hope I had that something would work out. I told myself not to be led on, it was only going to end with myself getting hurt, but again, temptation won over. I'm not going to let her know that she's hurt me, but I hate always having to hide the pain.

"I thought that you'd want what I want, sorry, my dear."

may 26, 2010

I have more and more going on in my life right now, but I have no idea where to start, or write about. It's been months since my last post, things have been going. Morgan is out of my life, for good. I'll be a friend, but nothing more. She has caused much more heartache then I would ever expected, and I can't put myself through that again anymore.

Chelsea is awesome! She has absolutely no idea how beautiful she is, how confident or strong she is, how big her caring heart is, or how much she has going on for her.She has been really down for a long while, and I hate seeing her so. I wish their was something I could do to make everything better for her, but I doubt if I can. Better doesn't have to mean back to the way things were. When she was in Victoria a couple weeks ago, I asked Kathleen what her favorite flowers were so she would have some when she came home. Kathleen wasn't much help, so I had to ask Chelsea pretending my mom was asking her what her favorite was, in order to get an idea. The answer "pretty ones" doesn't help much by the way, :P. I'd really love to get the chance to get to know her more than simply band friends, but you know what, it doesn't matter. She's in my life, and that's more than I could ever ask for.

Emmeli-Sue is helping the gents with our t-shirt design, the Bucking Dutchman will log again!

More to come, someday.

i may just end it all

Jesus fucking Christ. What have I become? I'm everything I hate. Self doubting, insecure, selfish, liar, underachiever, and a downright fucking waste of space.

Back story on my latest fuck up, if you want to hear it. Wait, nobody follows this fucking blog, so nobody will hear it. It's a good thing too, nobody would bother wasting their time reading this angst ridden bullshit.

I've been smoking for the past year and a half, not anything super addicting like a pack a day, but closer to a pack every 2/3 weeks. I never smoked around her, as she hated it, and the only times she every approached me about it was at parties when I was smoking cigars with friends.

After post, when she made it apparent she hated me, but still wanted to be friends, read previous sad posts, you'll see, I went to about a pack a week.

Three weeks ago, after feeling disgusted by my two + packs a week, I decided to "quit". It lasted for three weeks, until today, when she started giving me the fucking silent treatment for no apparent reason (I'm sick of hearing "I didn't have anything to say, you weren't trying to talk to me," as an excuse). I've smoked a pack today, and it felt fucking great.

I decided to tell her about it.

Shit hit the fan.

"Oh good. I'm relieved. That means the tar seeping into your alveoli and paralyzing them isn't as viscously spread through your lungs as I first thought. I beg to differ that smoking, quitting, starting again, and then asking for help quitting will inevitably lead full circle. Again. I'm sure someone is willing to help you quit. But it isn't me. Especially after you lied to me. Why do boys have to lie to me? Have I not proved how angry I get? Am I that inconsequential that it doesn't matter?"

I've lie to you about a nasty habit I wanted to keep to myself, and you've treated me like shit, made me feel like shit, worthless, and clearly never anyone you could love.

If it were anyone else, I'd try to make up and leave you alone, never to bother you again. However, it's you, and I love you, and I'll always love you, even when there is absolutely no chance this side of Hell of myself ever to know your love.

Next time I'll be sure to hit a vein. Save you the trouble of killing me from the inside.

t-minus fail.

I'm back. Though, not like anyone actually reads this, my blog is hidden and I don't like disclosing feelings to my friends. Here's a recap of what you have missed since my last post.

Morgan and I split up, and she is currently falling for another man, and it makes me feel [good] knowing she is happy and has someone to make her feel the same way.

Myself, well, nothing is happening with the ladies. Two very nice girls have caught my attention, and I really have absolutely no idea what to do. Person K has people liking her all the time, and I am really not a good candidate to go against her other admirers. Person M has no idea I have feelings for her at all, and thinks I am an asshole. True as that may be, I am trying to become a better person, I really hope she knows that.

Nico is a cunt.

Jay told me today that he loves what I am doing with my lead parts in the show. He just wants me to gankbust the fuck out of it.

Indeed I shall, indeed I shall.

Cheers, I love you all.

Nico, you're still a cunt. Grow the fuck up.

fishmans bait.

master baiters since 1969.